Prognostications

Disclaimer: The accuracy of these predictions is not guaranteed. Any resemblance between these tidbits of information and actual events that happen in the future is entirely coincidental.

An internet-based petition drive by fans from all over the globe does not result in the renewal of Xena: Warrior Princess for a seventh season. Since it is clear, however, that fans want more adventures set in the Xenaverse, Rob Tapert and R.J. Stewart produce a spin-off series, Love & War. This revolutionary new fantasy/science fiction/comedy/crime drama stars Kevin Smith and Alexandra Tydings as out-of-work deities who work together as a pair of pre-Mycenaean private detectives.

The series finale of Xena is the highest rated episode in the history of the series. The episode, tentatively titled Puppies guest-stars Kevin Sorbo, who returns to the screen as Hercules, best man at Xena and Gabrielle's wedding. Debate rages over the Internet as different versions of the script make the rounds. One version has Gabrielle wearing the dress; another has Xena in the gown. In both scripts the dress is white, which causes controversy at alt.xena.fashion.

Due to the resurgence of interest in the series as a result of fanfic scribe Melissa Good, Renaissance Pictures renews the series for a seventh season penned entirely by fans of the show. The high point of the seventh season is the Emmy-winning The Forest Dweller which is scrawled in magenta crayon on gray construction paper.

An alternate scene from Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings is unearthed just before the first film, Fellowship of the Ring premieres. In the pivotal Weathertop sequence, a high-pitched ululation is heard just before a razor-sharp disc decapitates the Nazgul that threaten Frodo, Sam, and the other hobbits.

Creation Entertainment decides to buy Tapert's Folly and run chartered theme cruises on the converted barge. The maiden voyage meets with disaster when a small squad of militant fans takes Guest Captain Joel Tobeck hostage off the coast of Tasmania. The cadre's demands include humane treatment of convention attendees, quality merchandise at fair prices, and Joxer's head on a pike. A Davis-Panzer customer service representative handles negotiations. He botches the job and orders a nuclear strike on the boat. The resulting fallout carries to Hawaii where the stars of Baywatch are killed. The negotiator receives a Nobel prize for his contribution to the world.

A poll conducted by TV Guide after the series airs its final episode shows that the most popular episodes are, in order, Married With Fishsticks, Key to the Kingdom and, "The one where Mulder and Scully kiss."

And finally...

Sam Raimi agrees to direct the first Xena feature film, provided that his younger brother Ted "Joxer" Raimi stars. An early script places the bumbling warrior at the side of Alexander the Great. When Alexander is killed in a freak accident involving an avocado and three pints of Rocky Road ice cream, Autolycus (Bruce Campbell) arrives and impersonates the promising young warlord, hoping to steal the fabled "Shiny Thing That Kills Gods". Wackiness ensues.

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