Feelings

How do I put my feelings into words? What bit of prose can capture the roller coaster ride the past years have been? The journey has come to an end. Fans around the world are feeling a whirlwind of emotion -- from satisfaction to outrage.

As for myself, there have been two main thoughts that have occupied my brain during the past week. First, the storyteller in my head has a distinctive feeling that it ended "right". Yell, scream, and carry on all you want. In my opinion, there was only one way Xena: Warrior Princess could end. Anything else would have left me feeling cheated.

The other thought is one of loss -- not heart-rending, ashes-and-sackcloth loss, but loss nevertheless.

Still, I personally feel it was a happy ending. Bittersweet, perhaps, but still happy. After all, Xena finally achieved the redemption and forgiveness she had sought for so long. Gabrielle became the warrior hero she had always wanted to be. Both women experienced a love that spans the ages, a love that ignores the barriers of space and time, life and death.

You don't believe me? Watch the finale again. Xena is no longer a physical presence, but she is with Gabrielle in spirit. Their love continues to exist, despite the absence of one partner. We know that they will meet again in future lives, and their love for each other will remain. Look at the episodes reinforcing this idea -- starting all the way back in season two with Remember Nothing.

In the dozens of e-mail messages and comments I have read since the series ended, I have noticed that there are some fans that feel Rob Tapert betrayed them. Not only that, there are those who feel that Tapert betrayed the very heart of the series itself. Their focus falls on a single line at the very tail end of the episode.

Just as Gabrielle is about to pour Xena's ashes into the Fountain of Strength, Xena stops her. She explains that in order to save the 40,000 souls she has just released from the clutches of the foul Lord Yodoshi, she must stay dead. "They need vengeance," she says.

But wait, hasn't the message of the series been that love and forgiveness, not vengeance and hatred, are the answers? Doesn't this final statement by Xena throw that whole thing out the window?

Perhaps. I won't deny that interpretation can be taken from the scene. Personally, I think it was sloppy writing that can be ignored. After all, there have been YAXIs galore in the one hundred and thirty-odd episodes of this series. Can't we turn a blind eye to a single line that just doesn't fit?

I honestly don't expect my analysis to change anybody's mind. The grief some fans are experiencing at the end of this series is profound, and no amount of debate or discussion will salve the honest pain they feel. It is not my intention to make light of these feelings, nor to tell these people (as some have) to "get a life, it's only a TV show." Anybody who recognizes the effect Xena has had on its fans (and on popular culture) should know that some things go far beyond a mere television show.

Despite this realization on my part, and with the saga finally concluded, I would like to put forward an interpretation that may come across as a little bit... revolutionary.

The series opens with Xena burying her armor, trying to turn away from the warrior path she had followed for so long. When she encounters the band of slavers and rescues Gabrielle and the other villagers, she rescues them. Why? I don't think it is difficult for anybody to see guilt as the primary motivating factor. Xena sought to atone for her past misdeeds.

That's an important word -- atone. It comes from the Middle English atonen, "to be reconciled". It derives from the compound "at one". Xena was a hero torn between her dark past, and her heroic present. Her quest -- the central narrative of the series -- was to reconcile those two elements.

As we saw in the episode Forgiven, Xena was not able to forgive herself. She still felt a great deal of personal responsibility for the evil in the world -- despite the tremendous good she had caused. When "brought to justice" for her crimes (as seen in The Reckoning and Locked Up and Tied Down), she did not fight the system, believing that what happened to her was no less than she deserved.

While thinking about all these things, a thought struck me. The love and forgiveness message was not solely intended for others. It was certainly an important aspect of the show's morality, but the one who most needed to learn the lesson was Xena herself.

I think that Xena chose to stay dead because she realized that she had achieved her objective -- she had redeemed herself. Symbolically, coming back from the dead would deny her of the forgiveness she had finally given herself. To take up the sword again would say that she had still not done enough to pay for her crimes.

In truth, she did everything she could -- she gave selflessly of her life for strangers. Throughout myth, legend, and literature, there is no greater sacrifice a hero can make.

I am sorry to see the series end, but Xena lives on in my heart and mind, just as she lives on in the hearts and minds of thousands all over the world.

Her story may be over, but I hope that my own is just beginning.

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